Monday, November 19, 2007

We'd Like To Thank You Herbert Hoover

So there I am. It's a rainy monday night and I'm vacuuming the halls and stairs of my apartment building. (I've got a deal worked out with the landlord to do a little work around the building to get a reduction in rent.) I've had a stuffed up nose since June. I'd go to the doctor if I had insurance. But last night as I slept the nose was amazingly clear. Today it's running like crazy. I mean, like I can't blow it enough. I keep blowing and blowing and still there's more snot. Finally I'm just letting it drip out of me. I'm hunched over as I vacuum so I don't get any on my clothes. Because there's a lot of stairs in the building I'm frequently switching from regular vacuuming to using the hose and attachments. It's a fancy Hoover vacuum cleaner with a little green light that comes on to tell you that the carpet is clean. So I've got the hose out, vacuum still on, and another drip falls from my nose and happens to go right into the hose. I can feel another drip coming so this time I aim for the hose to suck it right up. Then I get an idea. I look around to make sure no one is watching. Then I blow my nose hard right into the hose. When I lift my head up my nose is amazingly clear. And unlike when you blow your nose into tissue and it tickles your nose and just makes more snot come, this is very clean, no tickling. I can't remember when I've felt so fresh. So I keep vacuuming, and every couple of minutes or so I give myself another nose job. Or nose-suck job. A "nuck job" you might call it. And each time I do I look furtively around as if I was doing coke or something. And I'm holding one nostral and blowing and then the other. And for a few minutes afterwards I've got the most beautifully clear sinus passages I've ever had. Nuck jobs are awesome. Anyone else tried this?

-David

P.S. Does anyone know what musical the subject line comes from? Hint: I was in this musical in 8th grade.

9 comments:

Basil said...

Oh my GOD. I am never using that vacuum cleaner again. Or, like, ever. For the first time.
Really, I haven't used it yet, but I live in your building and YO! Gross. You're about to blow my area.
Also, I like the science of your experiment. Please tell me more. Later.

But for now - maybe far awAAAYYYYY... (Shhh! quiet, little girl!)

Ida said...

Sounds like you need a New Deal for Christmas.

Hunter said...

See, this is the sort of thing you discover and then, if you're like me, you end up taking it too far, moving up to a more powerful household vac, then a garage wet-dry vac, to a high-powered industrial central vacuum system, and finally ending up in the "weird news" pages with your nose ripped off. Let this be a caution.

Also, is it not a musical based off a newspaper comic strip?

Rob said...

It may be a hard knock life, but just remember that you're never fully dressed without a smile.

David, I bet you looked adorable in that curly red wig.

Anonymous said...

The snot will come out tomorrow, so you'd better hang on till tomorrow.

I challenge you back: from what musical movie does this come from?

Just keep on singing, make way for tomorrow/the sun is bringing a new day tomorrow

Basil said...

Um, good question. It's got to be one of these:

Starlight Express 2: Rollerball
Rent 3: Trenton!
Annie IV: Search for Spock
The Producers, The movie: The Musical!: The Moviecal! The Musicie!
Wicked 2: Too Wicked
The Muppets Take E
Urinetown 4: Why Does It Hurt When I Sing?

Am I close?

Anonymous said...

very close.

Rachel said...

David, runny noses suck, but they probably shouldn't be sucked. May I suggest a "netti pot". It's a good deal more sanitary, not to mention more private than the vacuum cleaner. It also won't win you a darwin award when you suck you brain out the hard way. The netti pot looks like a little Aladin lamp crossed with a coffee creamer. You fill it with hot/warm salt water, lean over your sink, stick the spout up one nostril and tip you head so the water goes though your sinus and out the other nostril into the sink. It should also take a good deal of the snot with it. Then you refil the pot and do the other side. It sounds goofy and takes a little practice, nor is it something that I'd try to impress a first date, but it works like a charm. You'll have the same nice, clear head without the danger of pithing. The salt water also reduces inflamation in the sinus cavity so you might actually get better. You can get them at alternative health stores and even at Walgreens. They're not too expensive and you can even get little pre-measured packets of saline though table salt works just as well.

Hope this helps.

SO when you played Miss Hannigan, did you wear the garters or just go commando?

David said...

Actually I was just "ensemble". I played a servant, a bum, and a taxi driver.

Blog Archive