The Butter Report

INTERVIEWER: Welcome back. We were asking Bob Whitler what it's like to be in the Japanese Grunge Funk band, Ausuum--

BOB: No, it's ;Ausuum;. There are semi-colons around the name.

INT: I see, sorry. Bob, what do you feel your role in ;Ausuum; is?

BOB: Look, I just wake up, find out what town we're in, get wheelbarrowed to the gig, and ask the audience to kindly remove their glasses because I'm gonna blow their faces off.

INT: What if they don't wear glasses?

BOB: We hand out glasses before every show.

INT: I see--

BOB: They'll have glasses on.

INT: Okay. Does--

BOB: Are you calling me stupid?

INT: No. Does being the token Icelandic Latino in the band fuel the political undertones in your songwriting?

[pause]

BOB: You're calling me stupid.

INT: I assure you, no.

BOB: Wanna buy a stereo?

INT: No thanks. In the past year, ;Ausuum; has topped the--

BOB: How about some lawn chairs?

INT: Lawn chairs?

BOB: I'm so lonely.

INT: In the past year, ;Ausuum; has topped the US and UK charts with your most recent album, BOOOOOONG. To what do you attribute the overwhelming success of your third studio effort?

BOB: Black magic.

INT: How so?

BOB: I have a trunk full of dolls, potions, dusts, scrolls, you name it. Years ago when I was a hangglider tech for Sleater-Kinney, I dabbled in the black arts.

INT: How has that worked for you?

BOB: I'm gettin' paid, right?

INT: Right.

BOB: Now let me ask you a question, Max...

INT: Laura.

BOB: What happens when you mix nitrogen, iodine, and ammonia?

INT: I suppose you're going to tell me.

BOB: No, I really need to know. I just did it. My hands hurt.